By Mike Sain't Louis ·
If Don AussieBum could talk, more than a few would be left without a husband
He left the Aliexpress ones. The good ones, the originals, he took without a second thought. That very specific, very petty detail is how the story of Si Don AussieBum hablase (If Don AussieBum Could Talk) begins, one of the most precise portraits of an ex on the whole GayFolk planet.
The song starts from a line repeated like a courtroom litany: a false amore has run off with my designer swimsuits. And while he was using them as bait, the one who stayed at home was cleaning and looking after the animals. The contrast hurts, but it's also funny.
Then comes the idea that gives the track its title, and I love it: personifying the swimsuit. Don AussieBum, addressed as a gentleman. If he could talk, the lyrics say, we'd all be left without husbands, without partners, without acquaintances, and the list keeps growing: uncles, nephews, cousin Carmen, the one who plays the saint at church and the one who's very handsome but has a mind that stinks. It's small-town gossip in the form of a list, and it grows until it's absurd.
The lyrics don't hold back on the sexual side. Those swimsuits are there to show off the package and the rear, and poor Don AussieBum has seen so much that not even an album of three hundred songs would be enough. It's told naturally, with mischief, without blushing. Even the onomatopoeia in the chorus, boom boom, makes its own joke.
And in the end, the comeback. «Tú me hiciste insignificante» (You made me insignificant), it admits, but it immediately remembers it is always a Phoenix, and pulls out the folk wisdom of La Pantoja: just keep moving forward. Dientes, dientes (teeth, teeth: smile for the cameras). That very folkloric finish is my favourite part, because it closes the drama with an enormous smile.
It portrays something that happens after many break-ups: the anger ends up focusing on an absurd object. He didn't break your heart, he stole your swimsuits. And that's much easier to laugh about.
Put it on at the beach, in the area you already know about, and look around. Some AussieBum there surely has a story.
The full lyrics are below. Listen on Spotify
Lyrics · Si Don Aussiebum Hablase
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marcaUn falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
No es listo
se ha llevado todos misAussieBum Bum Bumy los ha usado comoreclamo
Los deAliexpressbien que los ha dejadopero los AussieBumaunque eran míosno lo ha dudadoy me los ha mangado.
Se llevó mis AussieBum originalesy yo mientras limpiando la casay cuidando de los animales
Bumbum BumbumSi Don AussieBum hablaseBumbum BumbumSi Don AussieBum hablaseestaríamos todos sinmaridosparejas,conocidosfamiliarestíostíassobrinoshermanos de sangrela prima Carmen
el que te ponía bastanteel que va de santo en la iglesiay el que es muy guapopero su menteapesta
Claro, es que sientanmuy bien parapromocionarel paquetey la parte traserahoy tengo de saldo el filetey lo puede probar cualquiera
Pobre AussieBum Bum Bum
ha visto tantas vecesDon AussieBumBum Bumtantos saca metes saca metesy eso solo contandocuando te los has bajadoporque si hablara decuando directamentete los has quitadoy los has dejado en una rocatirados
no da ni con un discode trescientas cancionesdientes dientes¡Y qué cojones!
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Este se ha llevado todos misAussieBum y los ha usado comoreclamoLos deAliexpressbien que los ha dejadopero los AussieBumaunque eran míosno lo ha dudadoy me los ha mangado.
Claro, es que sientanmuy bien parapromocionarel paquetey la parte trasera
Pobre AussieBumBum BumPobre AussieBumBum Bum
ha visto tantas vecesDon AussieBum Bum Bumtantossacametessacametesy esosolocontandocuandote lo has bajadoporque si hablara decuandodirectamentete los has quitadoy los has dejadoen una rocatiradosno da ni con un discode trescientascanciones
¡Y qué cojones!Ni que fueras tan importanteTú me hiciste insignificantepero ya sabes que yo soysiempre Ave Fénix y como diría La Pantoja¡Tú tira palante!Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
(instrumental)(instrumental)(instrumental)
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
¡Y qué cojones!
Ni que fueras tan importante
Tú me hiciste insignificantepero ya sabes que yo soysiempre Ave Fénix y como diría La Pantoja¡Tú tira palanteeeede!
Dientes, dientesque es lo que les jodeque yo no me quejo y eso queUn falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
(instrumental)(instrumental)(instrumental)
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
(instrumental)(instrumental)(instrumental)
Un falso amore se ha llevado mis bañadores de marca
Lyrics as published with the official music video, on the MIKE SAIN'T LOUIS label.