La Shakira y el Piqué de todo a 1 euro: a bargain-bin break-up

Look how cute they are. How fashionable, how modern. The gay couple of the year, the one that's on Telecinco all the time. That's how the song starts, in a gossip-magazine tone that sounds like praise and that, if you listen closely, already carries a touch of venom.

Because the nicknames arrive straight away. One is «la Shakira marica del Todo a un Euro» (the queer Shakira from the One-Euro Shop), and the other, «el Piqué del excremento» (the Piqué of excrement). The song borrows the most talked-about couple in the celebrity press of recent years and moves them into a bargain version, a neighbourhood-bazaar version (the title means "The One-Euro-Shop Shakira and Piqué"), with all the humour that implies. No mansions or million-euro contracts. Just an ordinary couple who think they're cover stars.

The fakest "I'm sorry" in the world

The part I like most comes when the narrator takes the floor and makes it crystal clear: from now on, the Shakira of this story is him. He claims the diva's role, the one whose break-up became a song, the one who gets the last word. And to the other he leaves, without any mercy, the role of the Piqué of excrement.

That «lo siento» ("I'm sorry") opening the chorus is a marvel of irony. There's not a hint of regret. It's the I'm sorry of someone who has already decided to tell the story his way and that the ex is going to look terrible.

The One-Euro Shop bit seems to me the key to the tone. It's a way of laughing at yourself too: yes, I'm Shakira, but the bazaar version, with cheap glitter and heels coming unstuck. That's very camp, embracing the tacky with pride and turning it into glamour. Nobody takes themselves too seriously, but everyone gets exposed.

The repetition of the chorus, again and again, has something of a jilted lover's mantra, of someone repeating who they are from now on until they finally believe it.

For any couple who has lived their break-up like a televised soap opera, even if only their friends' WhatsApp group was following it. And for those who, after a disappointment, have decided it's time to cash in.

The full lyrics are further down. Listen on Spotify