By Mike Sain't Louis ·
Croquetas en el crucero: the Mediterranean nobody sold you
I love people who sign up for a cruise expecting an Almodóvar film on the high seas and find the dining room of a roadside hotel. That's what «Croquetas en el crucero» (Croquettes on the Cruise) is about: sky-high expectations and reality floating on a buffet tray.
The protagonist boards dreaming of beaches, sun and, if it happens, an Italian or two. What awaits him is croquettes, bad cheese and two «chonis» (chavvy girls) in the pool staging an improvised concert while arguing about which of their boyfriends is more macho. For me that picture alone is worth the whole song, because anyone who's spent a summer in Spain has seen it live.
The chorus is a chain of failed plans. He signed up through a dating app because of a doorman, imagined an orgy in a leather skirt and ends up at mass with a reggaeton artist. And then comes the gossip: a little bird says those same chonis who brag so much about their husbands are, after a few drinks, a lot less strict than they look. It's a dirty joke, yes, and it's there with all its cheek, because the humour in these lyrics is fiesta-style and doesn't ask permission.
I find the captain hilarious: he winks, offers drinks and cheese, and as soon as the evacuation alarm goes off the whole ship runs out in dressing gowns and «sin depilación» ("unwaxed"). That line sums up the tone: zero glamour, dignity left to soak.
In the bridge comes a question that's one of my favourite moments: was this a cruise or a funeral home on the high seas? No answer arrives, but there are sardines in the minibar. And in the last chorus things go even more sideways, with a priest, his gardener and a champagne that ends up turned into calimocho, red wine and cola.
When to listen? Before booking an all-inclusive holiday, to lower expectations. Or on the way back, to laugh at what you got. I'd dedicate it to anyone who's come home from an organised trip swearing that next summer they'll stay home with the fan on.
The full lyrics are below. Listen on Spotify
Lyrics · CROQUETAS EN EL CRUCERO
Me apunté a un crucero por el Mediterráneopensando en playas, sol y algún italianopero en el buffet solo había croquetas y queso maloy en la piscina, dos chonis montando una orquestaDiscutiendo sobre quién de su novio es el más macho
Croquetas en el crucerome apunté por Grinder con un porteroquería una orgía con falda de cueroy acabé en misa con un reggaetoneroY esas chonis que presumen de maridoUn pajarito me ha dicho que se dejan comerEnterito el agujero¡Cuando van pedo!
El capitán me guiñó un ojo traviesome ofreció una copa y un quesopero al sonar la alarma de evacuacióncorrimos todos en bata y sin depilación
Croquetas en el crucerome apunté por Grinder con un porteroquería una orgía con falda de cueroy acabé en misa con un reggaetoneroY esas chonis que presumen de maridoUn pajarito me ha dicho que se dejan comerEnterito el agujero¡Cuando van pedo!
¿Esto era un crucero o un Tanatorio de alta mar?No lo sé, pero hay sardinas en el minibar
Croquetas en el crucerome liaron con un cura y su jardineropedí champán, me dieron calimochocroquetas y queso malo… todo muy flojo
Lyrics as published with the official music video, on the MIKE SAIN'T LOUIS label.